I had a lovely labor day weekend, which I would love to tell you about some other time. It involved a lot of mimosas and water-skiing. Certainly not what this evening has involved.
Again, I sound like I know nothing about the South. But I swear, where I am from, we do NOT HAVE these ridiculous insects that are present down here. I have battled several of these things, which are horrifying, disgusting roaches the size of small rodents. The things don’t when you shoot them with half a can of bug spray. They hide. In a most cunning fashion. Or they fly out at you when you’re least expecting it, causing you to pee on yourself just a tad.
Such as earlier, when I went in the kitchen to get a glass of water before bed, oh, two and a half hours ago. The thing was sitting there on my kitchen counter, my damn kitchen counter, mind you. GROSS. I’m sure my little Serbian-professor-neighbor who lives below me in my little duplex thinks I’m crazy, because I immediately jumped six feet in the air and hollered, “Son of a bitch, fucking wild animal!” at the top of my lungs. You think this is silly. I hope you never have 12 pound cockroaches in your home. You will then understand.
Not to mention the gigundo spider currently living on my shower curtain. Not being a fan of creepy crawly items of any kind, I put my makeup on in my bedroom this morning so as to give him his space. I then left for class, went to the gym, and did homework, only to return to the bathroom to find him in his usual spot. Despite me yelling, “VACATE, JACKASS!” and “SHHHT” like Cesar Milan does on The Dog Whisperer, I have been unsuccessful. And he is right next to the toilet. Which is why I’m seriously considering peeing in the empty Diet Mountain Dew bottle in front of me.
The other reason I’m all ramped up tonight is because today was trash day, and thus, when I was being a responsible citizen and bringing in my recycling bin, the cops were driving down the street and stopped to ask, and I quote, “Hey hon, have you seen a black dude in a blue jersey running through here?” I was like, “Uhhhh, no, but I think I’ll go back inside now, thanks.” ….And load my shotgun. For the roaches and the random fleeing criminals.
Of Considerable Merritt 